Night Divers on the Ocean
Night Divers on the Ocean
To rock upon the night ocean
The night divers and me in the ship
The moon, a work of scrimshaw shines
The palest eye seen
A dragon's pearl-orb tossed among the stars
On the rocks, a seal barks low and deep
bass to the thrum of the boat's whine
below lights tickle the waters
and a mystery is hidden from me
In the warm night below
it will be as if my mother is swaying me
as I drift off deeper
still deeper below the covers
Lucy Simpson, Seattle, 12/2008
Comments
The ocean means many things to all people - from a down comforter to a dragon's moonstone eye. I love how it arouses everyone's imaginations, how its meaning is endless.
You can write wild and beautiful and personal about the sea, and a reader will still nod in agreement, because there was some point when his thoughts have gone in the same direction.
I'm nodding in agreement right now.
To rock upon the night ocean
the night divers and me
the moon, a work of scrimshaw shines
the palest eye seen
a dragon's pearl-orb
tossed among the planets
Your edits are really good and I will incorporate them. I like this kind of critique and often do it for others. I like planets instead of the more common stars and I like the break up of the lines, though I was trying for a longer meter, which I don't usually use.
I'm still not terribly jazzed about this poem. Sometimes it takes a while for me to separate wheat from chaff, or chum from fish, in my poetry. This one is a recent catch.
Thanks for taking the time to read and critique. I always appreciate critique.
Lucy
I thnk you have to anchor (no pun intended) this down more Lucy.
All my 'issues' with the work occur in the first stanza. Its rather "old man of the sea-ish"." The "scrimshaw and dragon images are too predictable, in
a sea poem, even a dream seascape. It needs developing, put it in the moment and I think it will work.
I certainly do like the rest of it though.
eric
Lucy, who needed feedback and thanks you